stepping on dog crap, that sucks. stepping on human feces, that's fallacious. welcome to my world. wipe your feet.

Thursday, December 02, 2004

so, what's for breakfast?

(this is probably one of the all-time best wake up calls a decent person can and will get in his tenure on this wretched rock)

alma (drama empress, also from whose loins i sprang forth): " PJ, dadaan yung sipsip tae bukas ng umaga. Pabukas mo yung pozo negro sa garahe sa kabila."

hijos and hijas, my spanish isn't muy bueno, but i know for a fact that the literal english translation of pozo negro is "black well." A black well full of shit that came from alma's ass, zag's ass, my aunt's ass, my own ass, and the asses of our guests who had enough audacity to GO and violate the sanctity of our toilet, to be exact. i think this sentence begs the question, "Who would want to collect fecal material and place them inside a well?" (there must be someone out there who would answer this question with, "Well, actually, my cousin Otis..." - what's with the name?)

the pozo negro, or septic tank, is your household's very own sewage treatment center (by "sewage" we mean anything that plummets into the reekful abyss of your indoor plumbing). usually a large steel or concrete tank located within one's lot, the septic tank segregates sewage, with the help of gravity, according to the states of matter: arranged vertically beginning with the least dense is the gaseous material (three-year-old farts preserved in a ziploc), water found in your sinks pipes and your toilets prevents harmful fumes from backwashing into your dining area; next on our septic tank hierarchy is the scum, solids that are less dense than liquid (soap suds, tissue paper, Globe prepaid simcards); followed by relatively clear water containing bacteria, nitrogen and phosphorous (third world "mineral" water), this is the only component of sewage that is periodically expelled from the septic tank and absorbed by the surrounding soil; and last, but not the least, we find sludge settling at the bottom of the tank (the real deal, The Shit).

(Tae, why was i gifted with a vivid imagination? i bet you could smell it, too.)

i couldn't remember the last time our pozo negro was cleaned or if it was ever cleaned at all. after visiting a couple of sites that promoted the regular purgation of septic tanks, i found out that solid material escaping through the tank outlet caused by the absence of tank maintenance (translation: sa dami na ng duming tao sa pozo negro, dahil nakaligtaan itong linisin, umapaw na yung tae mo sa karatig lupa ng iyong bahay. hindi na tae ng aso yung naaamoy mo sa labas, yun yung hapunan mo kagabi na nakaranas na ng maraming pagbabago sa iyong lamang loob at siya namang iniluwal ng iyong mabuhok na tumbong.) will damage the surrounding ecosystem and eventually end all life on earth.

it makes you wonder why Malabanan doesn't advertise as often as it should.

septic-info.com gives us the best advice when it comes to the scouring of our pozo negros, "As tempting as it may be (!), don't consider pumping your septic tank yourself!" couldn't have shet it better.

(aren't you glad that i don't know how to upload images in my blog?)

57 Comments:

Blogger grossy said...

tae ka talaga. you have a gift. :)

mabuti nalang meron akong "mabangong" olfactory memory.

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Anonymous Anonymous said...

"aren't you glad that i don't know how to upload images in my blog?"-->uh huh. This entry should have a subtitle: "All you'll ever need to know about septic tanks, and then some." lol

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Anonymous Anonymous said...

si mela nga pala 'to. hindi si Batman.

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Blogger Kitty Litter said...

Patrick, you have waaaay too much time on your hands. And of course I have no right to complain about the vivid description of the poopoo--given I fell into our septic tank several years ago. Eew.

incidentally is your discussion of tae freudian? naalala ko lang.

di ata kita nakikita sa UP ngayon ah?

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And I was about to have champorado...there goes that craving.

Batman

And yes, I will treat you to a beer if you figure out who I am.

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